...in my bones!!!!!!!!!!!

How did this happened?
I have to make record of this, write, somethig!!
I really feel I was living a dream, that's what happens when somebody much younger and totally lost in life knocks on your door.
With this guy things started so easy... just a game, texting, calling, I don't know, pure bullshit!
Suddenyl it was impossible for me to go to sleep without knowing where he was, months after it was impossible for me to go to bed without him NEXT TO ME!!
He is not what I need!! but I have become "needy" somehow, I love him, but he's horrible to me.
Why when I talked about the things that happen between us people say "he's awfull to me"??
He is not awfull to me when we are together!.
At the beggining of course you try to make things work, you try to close your eyes and say: "well... he's immature, he'll come around and notice he has no maners" but when time passes by you realize that it wasn't the maners what was wrong. Maybe I'm too used to guys that always took care of me, guys like Forty who got mad when I didn't ask him to take me to the border with Peru when we were in Chile and I was moving away. Guys like Alf that walked long distances just to pick me up from parties because I was too drunk to know where the hell I was, guys like "J", yeah!! "J", that somehow he SOMETIMES showed me he cared a little, don't ask me how, because obviously I can't remember, maybe when he used to buy me presents when he was travelling around the world with his stupid job. I don't know.
When you love somebody Pi mentioned once it's like a drug, you said "just a bit more and that's it" but now I feel like "a little bit more" is not possible!!, I feel like a little bit more is saying: "yessss, keep treating me like shit that I'll be there all the time, take me for granted!!". I can't keep doing this, I'm gonna be thirty years old anytime soon, and the last time he said to me was: "don't waste time with me" :'(

Somemhow all I can think now is that thing that Pi just wrote about this girl; and how she kissed his hand and how he wanted to give her an answer when she asked "which actor would you be?", and of course he said he'd like to be Mister Pink from RESERVOIR DOGS... here is just an example so you can understand how stupid I feel. I remember the first time this kid called me and told me he'd come pick me up so we can "hang out", and then we smoked some weed and watched "RESERVOIR DOGS".
I'm broken, I'm drunk, I'm jaded...
I'm listenig too much of RADIOHEAD.
I'm missing his smell, I sleep holding the pants he left here, I feel them, I need him...

I don't want to be crippled cracked
Shoulders, wrists, knees and back
Ground to dust and ash
Crawling on all fours
When you've got to feel it in your bones
Now I can't climb the stairs
Pieces missing everywhere
Prozak painkillers
When you've got to feel it in your bones
And I used to fly like peter pan
All the children flew when I touched their hands
When you've got to feel it in your bones